


desperate for your love

by xStarlight



Series: vent writing [2]
Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, TeukChul, body image issues, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 00:30:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20106184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xStarlight/pseuds/xStarlight
Summary: it's so hard not to cave.





	desperate for your love

**Author's Note:**

> lowkey might b the unofficial sequel to flowers for you but uh. yeethaw. it's not necessary to read flowers for you before this though. it's pretty much a standalone, but if you want to understand some references, you can read flowers for you at your own discretion.
> 
> in other words i am big :( and probably should unload my trauma and emotions somewhere else and confront people about how i feel and shit but im big coward and sad leave me alone ig (please don’t)
> 
> also don’t read if ur easily triggered none of my fics are meant for the light hearted i literally write with every thought and angst i have within me. read the tags again pls and if u even think u can't handle it, don't.

it’s so hard not to cave.

tears fill the back of his eyes, but jungsoo pays no attention to them. he can’t bring himself to care, to wipe them away. hell, he doesn’t even deserve to cry because he deserves this pain, deserves to hurt himself, deserves this endless hell because he’s lacking everywhere to the point where it physically hurts to see himself in the mirror now. all jungsoo sees now are his shortcomings, his faults, his ugly points, and will do anything to erase them. 

maybe then he’ll be worth it, not a waste of space, not a burden, and actually contribute something to the group for once. 

jungsoo lies in bed, scrolling through social media. he doesn’t read any of the comments; he’s too tired and exhausted mentally to do so. it’s tiring to read korean when your brain is foggy and half functioning. and instead of trying to focus, he’s spiraling, lost in thoughts about himself, negative thoughts that drain his energy faster than a super junior dance practice.

he wonders why he even chose recovery. to him, recovery means doing things he doesn’t really want to do, but knows he should do to please others. and it does not help that jungsoo has always been a people pleaser, so of course if he wants to make the people around him smile, if he wants praise (oh yes, he desperately wants some), he would do almost anything.

but now, after seeing the months’ long work on himself, jungsoo sees the result, and it’s ugly. heechul often tells jungsoo how much he loves the extra fat in his body (jungsoo hates it, hates it with a burning passion, wants nothing more than to vomit everything in his stomach and body), and jungsoo lets him ramble, but does not let it get to him. because to him, it’s ugly. he feels more pudgy and fatter and ugly and he wants nothing more than to be skinny again, tiny enough for his old clothes, to dress how he wants. he wants to feel pretty, feel good, feel beautiful, and knows that no matter how much society is changing to accept bigger bodies, they will always love and adore smaller ones.

beyond his body image issues, jungsoo is also itching, itching to grab the silver blade in the bathroom and slice himself open. the constant onslaught of negative thoughts not only send him to wear the biggest clothing possible to hide, but also have him so full of emotion (mostly self hatred) to the point that he needs to release him. and what healthier than to bleed it all out? right now, jungsoo feels like he’s dizzy with all of the thoughts running through his head about himself. any more and he’d fall over, heavy and with a migraine. he feels fuzzy already. but it’s considerably lighter than his thoughts about his body image, so he makes no move to rid himself of his emotions. plus, having his emotional turmoil means he can dwell on them longer for solutions that’ll make him happy.

solutions that have put him in the position of needing recovery, but jungsoo does not care nor dwell on past incidents.

his phone dings with a notification. it’s time for dance practice, and jungsoo musters all the energy he has left and then some to get out of bed and call his manager. 

* * *

dance practice was nothing short of a nightmare. 

jungsoo arrives ten minutes late, and although this is not new for the members, they know he’s only late if he had schedules prior to dance practice, or if he’s hit a low point. none of them think too much of it anyways, all assuming that it’s just one of those off days, and just tease him for coming in after stretches. jungsoo, being the man he is, fake laughs it off.

it stung though, and another stream of negative thoughts run through his mind.

jungsoo doesn’t even make it through the first song before he makes countless mistakes. he pretends he forgot the moves for a split second (he was just late on the timing anyways), to which hyukjae laughs and restarts the song, but jungsoo knows better. tries to do better. doesn’t get better, but considerably worse as the practice drags on. hyukjae and donghee both take their time to correct moves, and even pointing out other members before jungsoo so he wouldn’t feel bad about doing the moves wrong.

but none of this slides past him, and he is well aware of the members’ thoughts. jungsoo knows he’s just dragging them down, down even further past where they used to be.

maybe if he did this and that, he would at least not be a burden to the group, his members, his brothers, his family.

hyukjae & donghee both try to end the dance practice on a good note, despite the multiple mess ups jungsoo knows he caused, but it does not improve his mood, nor the dead yet awful feeling in his head and chest. the negative emotions have only manifested further, meaning that every breath hurts for him, and jungsoo just wants to leave. 

he calls his manager to take him home.

* * *

jungsoo knows he’s awake, but makes no move to open his eyes. he’d rather stay in this darkness longer, not wanting to confront whatever reality was out there today. 

his thoughts are muddy, no one voice saying anything distinct, but jungsoo makes no effort to sort out his thoughts either. he wades in the mud instead, and the longer he wades, the dirtier he feels. the cold feeling works its way up and down his spine, his body, and every passing moment only increases the urge to do something he shouldn’t do, but should do.

the next moment he recalls is being on the white bathroom floor tiles, blade in hand, and there’s a crimson line. a droplet of blood falls off the razor blade. it’s clear again, he thinks, like water. he also feels less dirty, guessing that he’s not wading in mud but murky water now. and not wanting to lose this moment of clarity, he runs the blade multiple more times, until his thigh is covered in browning lines again.

his skin is marred again. it’s ugly, yes, jungsoo knows that. he hates it when his skin isn’t pure angelic soft, white, perfection. but it’s the price he pays to achieve clarity and wellness. 

he pulls the bandages from the medicine cabinet and begins to tend to the wounds with deft, well practiced hands. once he’s covered in bandages and clothes hiding the mess, jungsoo scrubs the tiles clean, like he never relapsed.

relapse. funky word, according to him, and he’s heard of it before. members of the milk club have spoken about it to him before, whenever they wanted to vent to him. jungsoo himself has never truly experienced it (how can you, if you have never felt recovery before), but he lends a hand to them, letting them know they aren’t alone, and that he’s there for them. 

if anything, he’s lost. he doesn’t know what to feel, either thrilled that he’s succumbing to his wishes, or disappointed that he’s being a huge letdown. jungsoo knows heechul would be disappointed in him, can hear his words now, but he wants to be selfish right now. he’s conflicted.

once he finishes, he stays on the ground, motionless. the physical pain of the cuts are there, but a low hum. his thoughts are still clear (murky), and he supposes it’s because of the physical pain. something to distract him with, where he feels the emotions release themselves. the tension is gone too.

jungsoo finally moves off the floor to his bed again. he thinks about how he has not eaten anything solid in a while (last thing that went in his mouth was water during dance practice), and feels his stomach ache in hunger. he knows that an idol has to be well fed to keep up their energy, but jungsoo is more energetic from his earlier breakdown and feels like he can ride off of that for a while. thus, no need for food (and it’ll help his appearance a lot).

he goes back to napping until someone remembers his existence.

* * *

he quickly adjusts to running on nothing but an empty stomach and stinging open cuts on his thighs. 

whenever he or the group has schedules, jungsoo wears nothing but joggers, sneakers, and a baggy t-shirt. his normal fashion. sometimes he adds a hat to cover his greasy hair, sinking thoughts, and overall mood. he feigns laughter in the right spots, smiles everywhere, and makes sure to fake the energy and confidence he needed to keep up public appearances. he’s used to this though, he’s done this for years until it’s all caught up to him in 2014 and then some. 

he weighs himself occasionally in the gym after a long workout, desperate to actually see the improvement in numbers. he hardly sees it in the mirror (if anything it’s worse) and just wants the self validation that there is something other than the drop in one pant size. he does not really obsess over the number, but it does stick for a while, making him feel guilty every time he reaches for even a fruit. his exercise regimen only gets stricter.

when he’s not on schedules or the gym, he’s home in his room, petting shimkoong (she whines, feeling like her partner has grown distant). occasionally, there’s a razor blade in his hand to stop his train of thoughts, but lately, the thoughts became voices and connected to old horrors and traumas that were locked away a while ago. his father, his old manager, super junior antis, netizens, lee soo man, jungsoo watches his thoughts now as familiar faces pop up in his vision and criticizes him harshly. sometimes he feels the fists of his father on him again, and that’s when the tears start running.

but the visions have done nothing except motivate him to do what he’s doing, and that this is exactly what he wanted anyways.

* * *

the routine repeats for a couple weeks until the members start catching on. 

if the dance practice two weeks ago was a nightmare, then the super junior members were in hell and they needed to find an out - now - before the fire consumes them whole. thus, the members (sans jungsoo) meet in secret, discussing the leader in hushed tones, not wanting the entirety of sm to know everything. 

last time that happened….cue taemin.

the members are ready to stage an intervention. heechul, the only member to know jungsoo’s passcode to his apartment, lets everyone inside while the owner of the apartment himself is away on schedules. inside, they wait, some members playing with shimkoong, others (like heechul) go through jungsoo’s belongings, hoping they would not find anything incriminating. 

ryeowook is the one who finds the bloodied razor, and he pockets it for later. hyukjae takes note of the lack of food and dishes in the sink, pantry, and trash. heechul doesn’t think his lover & hyung has taken his antidepressants in a while either, judging by the amount in the medicine bottle. 

the members all hear the beeping of the door, indicating that jungsoo is outside, and they all scurry to the living room. heechul makes sure to lock his door so he could not run there, and pockets the key to the bedroom. the members arrange themselves in such a way that there is no running, no hiding, and even the manager knows that if he somehow does escape the apartment, his manager can track him. 

in other words, there is no escape from this long overdue conversation.

jungsoo walks inside, not suspecting anything just yet. he hears a breath though, and goes on guard. believing a sasaeng is inside, he readies his phone just to see hyukjae, who guides him to the kitchen and then he notices.

eight super junior members look straight at him, and jungsoo panics. knowing heechul, he must have told the password to everyone, and now everyone is here, and he does not know why, he just knows that he is utterly exhausted and wants nothing more than to collapse on his soft bed and kiss shimkoong and go to sleep without any food for the third day in a row and -

“leeteukie, it’s okay, i’m here, you’re okay, you’re safe,” heechul whispers, having put his hands on jungsoo and brought him to the ground to ground him in reality. he knows the elder is panicking, his thoughts running wild.

it’s another few minutes until heechul is able to slow down jungsoo’s train of thoughts. by then, the members have created a circle and sat down with their hyungs, waiting patiently. ryeowook brings out a pitcher of water from the kitchen and some glasses, and sets it in the middle of the circle. 

heechul, despite his leg injury, adjusts their sitting position so that he is backhugging his lover. it’s slightly painful for him, but he wants - no, needs - to comfort his lover, even slightly baby him (because he knows he’s a sucker for it). jungsoo sits on the floor, eyes not looking anywhere other than a spot of dirt on the pure white carpet. 

“angel, do you think you can talk to us?” heechul asks quietly, but loud enough for everyone to hear. “you haven’t been acting like yourself recently, and we want to know if there’s anything we can do to help you.” members nod in agreement. 

“you’ve grown distant from us, hyung. talk to us, please,” siwon says.

“hyungie, we thought you were getting better. it’s okay to have off days, but you’ve had so many lately, we wonder if you’re okay,” donghae adds. 

as each member says their bit, expressing their concern and love for him, little tears start running down his cheeks, and he starts sobbing. heechul hugs him tight, whispering love messages to him. donghae, ever the touchiest member, comes up to hug him next, and before they all knew it, all nine of them were tight in a group hug, one they haven’t had in a while. members whisper comforting words to jungsoo, telling him it’ll be okay, telling him they were here, and they were sorry for not saying anything sooner. 

“no.” the word escapes his mouth before he realizes it. “please don’t be sorry, it’s - “

“no,” donghee interrupts. “you are not at fault. your brain is feeding you lies. we are sorry that we didn’t intervene sooner. you don’t deserve any of this. you deserve nothing but love and care right now, and that’s what we’re going to give you.” 

“and we will,” heechul says. “but angel, we need you to talk to us. tell us how you feel, what you’re thinking, angel you have to let us in for us to give you what you need.”

jungsoo opens his mouth, but then suddenly closes it. he doesn’t know if he can speak about it. he knows the members know enough about his life that they can probably guess what haunts him in his visions and thoughts, but he can’t verbalize it. nothing out of his mouth will sound exactly like it does to him.

hyukjae cups his hands around jungsoo. “hyung, it’s okay. we might not understand from your point of view, but we’ll try our hardest. just let us in, please. we’re here for you.”

more tears. then he tells his members about the voices in his head, the ones that yell and scream at him about his faults. his ugly points. his lack of anything to the group. his weaknesses. he tells stories about their old manager, who got fired back in 2009 but no one knows why, and he tells them about the emotional abuse he endured, and how the words still stick with him today. he describes the obsessions that grow in his mind, how he fixates on them, and how he’s selfish enough to starve and cut and dwell in his thoughts. the entire time, the members are silent, trying to understand what he’s going through. when jungsoo finishes, heechul plants a kiss on his cheek.

“angel, you are not a burden. you are an angel without wings, you’re special. you are so needed in this group for us to work and to achieve what we have done and will do. we need you, and we are so sorry we never noticed any of your hurts.”

ryeowook takes one of jungsoo’s hands. “hyung, you’re our leader. you’ve guided us well for the past thirteen, fourteen years. it’s our turn to guide you, to help you.”

kyuhyun nods. “teukie-hyung, super junior would be nothing without you. you’ve been there for us, for me, and it’s our turn to return the favor.”

the members come closer together, telling him how his thoughts and visions were wrong. heechul hugs him tighter, and members squeeze his hands, and face, ruffle his hair, and let him know physically that they too are there for him. shimkoong even enters the love pile, barking and pawing her way to her owner. jungsoo picks her up, and for a moment, his struggles disappear as he hugs and peppers his dog in kisses (ones she hasn’t gotten in two weeks).

jungsoo feels muddled in the middle of the circle and his thoughts, but considerably lighter than he has in weeks. and he didn’t even need or miss the silver blade.

* * *

he eventually comes to terms with some things. 

one, the actual experiences and incidents don’t go away. they stick like glue and it hurts like a bitch to peel. but the pain fades over time. talking to his members help with it, and they tell him how those words were wrong. 

two, recovery still sucks ass. jungsoo isn’t used to not feeling like he’s wading in muddy water. but eventually, he gets kinda used to it. he prefers the muddiness to his thoughts running a mile a minute. he felt too claustrophobic then, feeling like his thoughts were squeezing the life out of him.

but also three, he has to want recovery for it to work. so, jungsoo attempts, for the second time, to power through. this time, he has to power through with his own strength. heechul stands nearby, waiting to hold him steady if need be, but jungsoo wants to walk by himself. he’d prefer that anyways. 

four, his members will always be by his side, cheering him on. and they’ve always been there for him, he realizes, but never as vocal as now. subtle hand holding, touches, gestures, and love messages through kakao, the members leave their trace on him. jungsoo quite likes it. and this includes his mother & inyoung too.

from then, to now, he has a support system to keep him moving forward.

_ fin. _

**Author's Note:**

> if u couldn’t tell by the fic and my style of writing and my usual updating, i only write when i need to release some inner emotions and feelings and rants and here they are. 
> 
> first, i'd like to apologize if i didn't write any member correctly in how they would act. more on that below, but i wrote them how i would want to be treated (kinda, but less babied probably). second, i apologize if it's rushed or if there was a section i didn't really emphasize on. i hope you still understood the message i was trying to deliver, along with the feelings. third, i'm sorry if there was a section you disliked bc it was cringy. pls spare me, i don't write a long of happy endings.
> 
> i made up the manager part bc the whole reason i wrote this was bc lately, i’m having bad flashbacks to two-three years ago when i was trapped in a huge spiral and my band director yelled at me one day about being late and unmotivated and i remember at the time begging internally for help but never vocalizing it. teukie & i are one and the same in this aspect and i ended up venting on him about that because to this day i’m still hurt over it. just really really hurt bc i had classmates at the time who were going through similar struggles and he noticed and cared but me? my other friend? he basically said fuck y’all go suffer and fulfill my expectations. so now here we are two-three years later, scarred and not asking for help bc vent writing is healthy.
> 
> (sometimes people are just oblivious. pls get help if u even think for a second u need it. there’s not always gonna be someone like heechul & the other suju members.)
> 
> pls stay healthy and safe and well, i luv u


End file.
